FEATURE: Ten Bands that Need Break Up Immediately

Cartel-
The line was crossed after the group, which surprisingly is made up completely of grown males, decided to become the “band in the bubble” for Dr. Pepper. Needless to say, it was less than riveting television to see a sub-par band feverishly try to come up with anything, ANYTHING!, that could rival the commercial success of 2005’s “Say Anything (Else)” and “Honestly.”
Fortunately, they apparently have briefly faded from the minds of the general public. And I’m “Honestly” glad they have. True, that joke was easy, but hey, it just represents just how generic and bland they are.

Hawthorne Heights-
Before the bleeding hearts jump me for picking on a band that recently lost a member to a tragic death, here’s my pitch. The band now has a credible excuse to no longer make music. How better to go out then with an unexpected death? It worked for Led Zeppelin. Why not for them? God, did I seriously just write that? Sadly, to many people Hawthorne Heights is held in the same regard. Their screamo and cookie-cutter lyrics have been a burden to many for their past two albums and with a new album planned, that burden is not going to get any lighter.

Dave Matthews Band-
Bros, shield your eyes. This portion of the list may not be something you want to see. I know that it has become almost trendy and cliché to talk down about DMB, but it’s not like all those people are just doing it for fun. If you were to tell someone in the future that a man who sings like he has his molars fused together and refuses to sound unique from anything else he’s ever done would be one of the most sought-after acts in the world, they would’ve called you on it.
There’s so much more to music than DMB, but for some reason a band that tops every 90s alternative radio playlist still has appeal to kids who were between 9 and 12 years old at the time of their breakout. The counterpoints are pretty generalized and I’m sure they’re great live after a few dozen drinks, but until they create a new concept to their sound I’ll always hate them. But why would they? They sell out everywhere with tickets ranging from ungodly expensive to downright obscene, so maybe I’m wrong.
There are three things in life you will never be able to win an argument over: politics, religion and how Dave Matthews Band is still accepted as fresh, unique and popular. As comedian Daniel Tosh once so eloquently put, “Dave Matthews Band sucks. If that offends anybody you’re the problem with our country. Because somebody had a difference of an opinion than you, you felt personally attacked instead of focusing on a different issue: why do you listen to s---ty music?”

50 Cent/ G-Unit-
G-g-g-g-good Lord. I owe a debt of thanks to Kanye West for mopping the floor with 50 and his band of merry gangsters. When I think about how history will look back on G-Unit, I predict it will mostly focus on how quickly that stuttering headache of a catchphrase took America by storm. 50 has become the epicenter of the cancerous rot of the hip-hop genre.
God only knows what 50 had to do to get in Dr. Dre’s good graces. Now that he’s rich beyond all imagination, he has kept up the rumor that he has any discernable talent by buying the best production talent to keep the clubs bouncing to his trash. I’m not sure how much G-Unit has left to rap about, but I’m sure they can crank out at least two more albums about guns, gangs, money, promiscuous sex, drugs, drinking and clubbing before they become truly irrelevant.

Daughtry-
I never truly appreciated just how much influence “American Idol” had on popular culture until I heard that Daughtry was nominated for a Grammy and actually won an American Music Award. This fourth-place finisher from the 5th season of Idol has apparently sold his soul and has risen to the cream of the Idol alum crop. Here’s a little-known fact about Chris Daughtry: he has helped write songs for legends such as 3 Doors Down and, of course, Nickelback.
His two hit singles “It’s Not Over” and “Home” were the eighth and tenth most played songs in the country in 2007. Frankly, I didn’t know he even released two separate tracks because they sound almost spot-on alike. Daughtry and his band show just how far a band with a generic sound and “passionate” lyrics can go in today’s close-minded music scene. Here’s a test to see if you favorite band is truly unique and fresh: name all the bands that they sound like. If you can list more than 10, you may want to consider broadening your horizons.

Nickelback-
This band is really a head-scratcher. They’re perpetually mocked and criticized by almost everyone I’ve ever met, but they still manage to go multi-platinum with every album. Get this: their latest album went seven times platinum. SEVEN TIMES?! Who is buying that slop?
Nickelback fans should all be checked for Attention Deficit Disorder, because every Nickelback albums contains the following themes: one “I’m your typical ass-kicking but emotionally aware bad boy who’s cut from a different cloth,” i.e “Rockstar, “Too Bad,” etc. track. That theme is followed closely by a power ballad that has about as much depth as a puddle, such as “Photograph,” “How You Remind Me” and many others. It’s not hard to imagine Chad and the bros chilling at the mansion with a 30-rack of Zima deleting words from past hits and simply filling in a few blanks as they go along. Six months later, voila! Another multi-platinum middle finger to all the true artists of the world.
Stop me if I go too far, but Nickelback is the Darfur of the music industry: it’s trendy to be associated with them (I’m talking to you, Santana), they’re well-known throughout the world and everyone knows all about how terrible they are, but nothing is being done to stop either. Take a stand people.

Linkin Park-
While they will continue to make an absolute killing in Japan, Linkin Park’s reign of mediocrity needs to come to an end here in the States. Beyond the obvious fact that Chester’s voice should crap out any day now, there are more artistic reasons for why we need to ship them out. Aside from their latest release Minutes to Midnight, if you play their albums Hybrid Theory, Meteora, Reanimation and Collision Course together, you will have a massive album that refused to go beyond the restraints of the dreaded good-but-not-great stigma.

Plain White T's-
I always pity bands that have absolutely no future, so I’ll go easy on them. “Hey There Delilah” was a heartwarming tale of optimistic, undying love no matter the distance. That song also came out in 2005. Let’s just get over it already. I didn’t hate the song itself (three years ago), but for this band to continue making music after setting such a high ceiling is laughable and almost tragic. Anyone who can tell me with a straight face that anything else that they’ve done is worth listening to is a fool.

Avenged Sevenfold-
When we’ll look back on this era of music, I pray to the musical gods that the likes of Avenged Sevenfold will be nothing but a punchline. The idea itself isn’t a stretch, considering the band has ridiculous names such as M. Shadows, Zacky Vengeance, The Rev, Synyster Gates and Johnny Christ. I’ve often wondered if Synyster Gates actually forced his family and friends to call him by that hilarious name.
To give you an idea of just how gutter awful this band is, even bros don’t like them, and they basically bathe in music this generic. I know I’ve been picking on you bros a lot, but kudos to you all for resisting the urge. Their bitchin’ guitar riffs have wooed legions of fans who’ll bitterly scratch and claw to make you stop criticizing them. Instead of fighting a lost cause of convincing me that they are, in fact, a legitimate band, you’d be better off snapping another high-angled MySpace picture.

Senses Fail-
As with any other new and upcoming scene band, Senses Fail introduced themselves into the music world by relying heavily on failed relationships with a twinge of over the top emotional psychosis. By relying on their fan’s uncompromising need for tepid hooks and melodies, they have built a career out of stereotypical heart-breaking lyrics. Fortunately for them, their formula worked, and their albums have earned a spot in the average scene kid’s 5th-generation iPod. It’s been an awfully long time seeing them capitalize on teen angst, and we here at The Modern Age think its time for them to end the misery.

-Joe Kepler